Alter Ego

The dictionary describes Alter Ego as another side of oneself, a second self. It comes from Latin: alter, other +ego, I, self. There are other definitions of this meaning yet I choose to pick this definition since it truly relates to me. I believe I created my alter ego many years ago to establish an outlet from stress and things in my life that caused me distress and this was my means of dealing with life.

When I was five, I was on the Staten Island Ferry with my mother bringing my sick brother Michael to Willowbrook Hospital. This was in 1955. He died that night. I never knew what happened to him really until I was around 10 when I was going through my mother’s dresser draws and saw his Holy pictures. Then and only then did I realize that I had another brother. My mother gave birth to another son not long after Michael died his name was Tommy so I suppose I thought he was Michael. I know that is why I am close to Tommy because my mother told me I doted on Michael and when Tommy came along I must had thought Michael was back and I would not let him out of my site. I have to believe that from the period Michael had died until Tommy’s birth there had to be a large void in my life but never understood it. I believe that was the start of my Alter Ego forming to protect me. Somewhere in that period of time I felt scared and insecure which still plagues me to this day, insecurity. Up until my mother’s death she would never speak to me about Michael as much as I pleaded with her. I think it was just too painful. I would tell her of my memories about that night yet she just still would not speak about it. One thing I remembered was this large gold cross. When my mother died and we were going through her things, I told my sister I wanted that cross because that too was with the holy pictures I saw that day going through my mothers drawers. Neither she nor any of my siblings knew about that cross. It now hangs in my bedroom.

There were many other instances in my life that brought stress to both me and my siblings but they are personal yet the larger the stress the stronger the Alter Ego developed. It is almost as if God tested me as a child and was preparing me for things to come. It seemed that as I was growing up I was always sick. In the hospital for one thing or another. Maybe I was looking for attention but I know that when I was in the hospitals it was for real issues. The hospitals eventually became a part of my life. From my early youth, through my teens into adulthood and to this day I have spent countless days in hospitals for real health issues.

Could they have been avoided, most of them I doubt it especially the surgical ones. I often wonder if things had been different as a child maybe some of my health issues may never have occurred. I will never know. One thing I do know that in order to deal with all these health issues my Alter Ego was created. With that and a great supportive family I kept going. I used my Alter Ego to take me from sick places to happy ones and used humor and laughter to keep balance in my life. I never had a problem making fun of myself or make people laugh at me, I was the class clown. I loved to just laugh and have my family, friends and peers laugh with me and at me. It did not matter because it was the best medicine for dealing with all the surgeries and pain I was going through up to the present day. It is as if I let my Alter Ego deal with the pain, and I used my sense of humor and laughter so that my real self could adjust to what was going on around me. Most people create an Alter Ego of something they want to be. Actors have Alter Egos but for me it was my salvation and I enjoy what it is just another facet of my personality. We are one and the same and without it all these years I do not think that I would have been able to survive. Everyone dreams of being someone else, I had dreams too but I needed to create this Alter Ego whether intentionally or not to protect myself and it has done well by me. It’s a great way to de-stress yourself and yet function normally. Remember one thing I never asked for it to exist yet I am happy it does because I can handle stress well and also know how to laugh and put on that happy face and handle any crisis thrown my way. My health issues made me a strong person and I use it to help people who may have difficulty dealing with life’s problems. I suppose you could call it a form of Acting but for me it is my life. It made me who I am today and I am proud of that so I guess God did have a plan after all.