Panic Attack Sideshow

Boy and what a show it can be and unfortunately you usually are the main event. As I said in the past I experienced them for 13 years. Symptoms of Panic Attacks or Panic Disorder as they are now called can make you feel like your going to die, can’t breathe, going to have a heart attack, feelings of loosing control or actually going insane. One wise Doctor told me this and I will never forget it I quote “If you think that you are going crazy don’t worry about it your not” I never forgot that but it still did not give me solace when my attacks occurred.

I must say that whenever an attack happened regardless of where it was I feared being in that situation or place again. For example, if an attack would happen when I was on a bridge the thoughts in my mind would race so fast and I was so terrified all I could think about was that I was going to deliberately take my car and drive it off the bridge into the water. My mind would not shut down it would just race and race and not stop those horrible thoughts. Once I got over the bridge the panic started to ease somewhat but I was still terrified. By the end of the 13 years I had so many phobia’s that if I had not taken Valium I don’t know what I would have done.

Also the problem with panic attacks is if they come often you are always waiting for the next one, the thought never leaves your mind. It just is a fact. I never knew when the next one would come and I was always in a constant state of high anxiety waiting for them to come. Was I able to function? The answer to that is yes but the cost was high. I went to work and did my job but once I knew I was going home I started setting myself up and could never sleep because I was afraid of an attack heading my way. The fear was so powerful that it consumed my life. By the time the weekend came I was so exhausted that I would get drunk so that I would sleep the weekend away to get rest. Not a pleasant time. Again thank God I did have Valium’s but they were not the total answer. It was a tool to help me keep my sanity so I could find out what caused these terrible things. Sometimes I felt like Linda Blair in the Exorcist and I am not kidding.

Twenty-Five years ago no one spoke of panic attacks. I was afraid to tell anyone even the Shrink I was seeing because I thought he would commit me into a mental institute. After I straightened myself out as mentioned in the Bottom of the Well, I can give you this advice and it saved my life. Whether the surgical menopause was the trigger I did not care anymore. I was heading towards the highway to hell and I had to take control of my life.

One night after I stopped taking the medication I had an attack. I got a tape recorder and for almost 12 hours I tapped all that I was feeling and it was as if I was speaking with the devil and telling him that you will no longer control me. I kept speaking into the tape recorder and saying I am going to win this battle and you will not cast me back to that HELL. I still have the tape. After the 12 hours, it was as if something left my body I felt relaxed and fell asleep. When I woke up I felt cleansed for a lack of a better word. I got in my car and started to take on all the phobias that I feared all those years. I started with bridges, and then I got on aircraft’s and flew. I eventually went to all the places that I had had attacks and told my mind to go ahead start an attack I am not afraid of you anymore. One by one I took on the phobias I developed over the years and destroyed them. I was finally in control eventually they all disappeared. I will say this whether it is a chemical imbalance, posttraumatic stress, stress alone, menopause or whatever made them start in the first place I can say that I beat them.

Once in a while since 1986 I have felt anxious but usually it is because I am under some type of stress a trigger. I would stop it dead in its tracks. I do not believe that was the initial reason but I know my triggers and that is what you all have to find out for yourself. Initially you may have to see a doctor, which I think is a good idea just to give you relief. I strongly suggest you find out what may be causing these horrors that invaded your life before they get out of control like they did with me. It is a very difficult task and I do not wish it upon anyone but there is help out there today. Take advantage of it but don’t let the meds do the trick. You have to find out why they started. Once known you can deal with them better and eventually be able to lead a normal life again. As I sit here and write this I could cry for all the people who may have this problem. I would not wish it on my worst enemy. Get help 25 years ago they didn’t know and if they did I was too afraid to ask. DON”T GIVE INTO THEM. Seek Medical advice.